Gone To Live
by The.Squint
Summary: "The days carried on without him, leaving him behind until he became a bystander to life, watching people live it to the full whilst he hung in the shadows. Then she came along; Eddi" ... My version of 'What happened next' after Hanssen/Hemingway. Leddi.


**After Holby this week I couldn't NOT write something! I was thrilled with the ending, though saddened at the sudden departure of Luc, I believe his exit to be worthy of such a brilliant actor and character.**

**Here is my little "What happened next…"**

**There will be another one or two chapters, if response is positive to this first chapter.**

**I really hope that you enjoy it…**

_**Gone to live**_

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Living.

One may be forgiven for thinking him to be living, he inhaled oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide, his brain acted as it should; sending electrical signals, controlling both his conscious and unconscious movements. He could read, write and talk. He could assess a patient, find the correct diagnosis and cure them.

He had the ability to save people, for which he did often and yet he knew that he had not been able to save himself from the darkness he had fallen into the day he had watched her die. He was alive, but not in the true sense of the word, not really, not since that day.

It had been hard to begin with; the guilt. Yet, he had done nothing to overcome the emotion, instead only accepting it as part of what he was for he knew that to hold onto the guilt was his last desperate attempt to stay close to her, his way of keeping her with him. He may not have pulled the trigger that had landed her on the operating table but he was the one that was ultimately responsible for her death.

The days carried on without him, leaving him behind until he became a bystander to life, watching people live it to the full whilst he hung in the shadows. But then he didn't deserve to join them in the life of the living after what he had done, never tempted to try for the fear was too great. He knew that in the light of life they would ask questions about his past, ultimately discovering his shame and would think him scum; some low-life alcoholic that had prioritised his addiction over the woman he loved, but in the dark corner he had made for himself he seemed to slip by unnoticed. It became comfortable and soon it was all he knew. Unnoticed and he preferred it that way.

Then she came along; Eddi, a woman so filled with life that it seemed to infect him, cracking his unbreakable shell. She was damaged, like him, it was plain to see but she embraced it in a way that was almost appealing. She tempted him from the darkness, a light at the end of his dark tunnel.

The light of the living seemed too bright, frightening him as he stepped into it, he had been gone for so long he felt lost and yet when he kissed her that all seemed to disappear, when he kissed her he suddenly wasn't afraid anymore and life didn't seem so scary. The days passed by and he found that he needed her more and soon a kiss wasn't enough, he needed more of her, but the more he had the further away from his darkness he found himself. The reality of life was taking over, she was taking over him.

He felt helpless to stop it, she was under his skin; a place he had never expected to find her for he had believed that he was in control. The longer he stayed within the light of life, the greater the pull he felt from the darkness, he had outstayed his welcomes weeks ago but with Eddie he couldn't help but venture into the light more and more. She was addictive and any attempts to resist her drug-like qualities were hopeless.

He recognised the feelings pulsating through his body as those he had felt many years ago in that medic camp, but had forgotten how to apply them, how to control them. He feared them, knowing their meaning, but he tried to calm himself by breaking them down to their chemical core; serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline. That's all it was and it was illogical, but he could not deny the fact that she made him happy. She had injected a feeling of life into him that he had not felt in years and she got his heart pounding in ways that it never thought it would again. He had been happy and he knew that it was something he didn't deserve, not after what he had done to Alise and what he would ultimately do to Eddi.

So he knew what he had to do, what he did best; leave.

He had 'dipped his toe in the water' as he put it, but had ultimately ended up tainting the water supply. It was what he did, he was toxic. He had destroyed her. Jerry, the psychologist had called it a 'self-fulfilling prophesy', he held little respect for the field of psychology, particularly therapy. He wouldn't fathom how talking about an array of past memories was meant to help change or shape one's future in anyway, it seemed laughable to him and yet what Jerry told him seemed to make sense; he believed that he would bring nothing but pain to Eddi and so removed himself from the situation, causing the pain he had feared, which in itself only reinforced the belief that he was better off alone. Not living.

He had thought that returning to the darkness once more would remove every emotional tie that Eddi had on him, but it only made him miss her all the more. Suddenly the darkness didn't seem that safe anymore, didn't hold that same level of comfort, only filling him with a sense of cold loneliness, shocking his system after being warmed by the light of life and of Eddi. Had the darkness always been this depressing? He couldn't remember, and it was then he realised that just the memory of Alise wasn't enough to stay here anymore, he needed more, he needed the light and he needed Eddi.

Then of course he was already too late, he had taken her light leaving her to drown in a darkness of her own. He didn't blame her for leaving; he hadn't been able to save her, just like he couldn't save his mother or Alise before her. She was right to leave him.

Though he had known all along, in those weeks following Eddi's departure he came to acknowledge that the darkness that he had spent so long hiding beneath was a place where every demon he had ever made, including Alise, lived and it was not a good place to be. It acted almost as a vacuum, sucking every last cell of happiness from him, leaving him dry of emotion. Yet this time he fought against it, not wanting to have what Eddi had given him removed so easily. The memories of her were all he had left and the joy that they produced and he would fight whatever forces within him that dare try to take that from him. He didn't want to be that person anymore, the one he had been before Eddi.

He did fight, but it only seemed to make things worse. He was in a losing battle. Spiralling out of control. Waiting for the inevitable crash landing, which came in the mode of breakdown of sorts and he knew then that things had gone too far, he was letting the darkness win. He felt himself morphing back into the man he was, allowing himself to believe that he would be better off alone, allowing the darkness to claim him more every day.

He thought back to the last patients of his and what the man had told him, that even if he were to know of the pain that he would suffer the day he met his wife, he would change nothing, that the pain was a very small price to pay for the life that they had led together. Though at first he had refused to understand the man's logic, as he crashed through the doors of Jerry's office that night he came to realise that to carry the guilt of Alise was not an honourable thing to do, it was not the right thing to do and that it only tainted every good memory he had of her.

He broke down in tears and felt the darkness lift with every word he told Jerry.

It all seemed to make sense the more he spoke, he realised that he didn't regret any time that he and Alise had spent together, neither did he regret his time with Eddi. In fact in that small room surrounded in the aroma of eupohpia coffee he came to finally accept the death of Alise, something he had been reluctant to do as he knew that with acceptance came the realisation that he was ready to move on with life without her, something he had been ready to do for a long time but had been unsure of how to handle it.

It was why he had left Eddi in the first place, because he could see a future with her and she could obviously see the same and the idea of a future was something he had never believed to be possible again. He felt guilty for wanting it, believing that he way in some way forgetting Alise, when he now understood that would never be the case, he was just simply ready to take chances again, live life again and be happy.

It didn't matter to him that he had been suspended, if he had managed to hold onto his job he would have picked up that postcard and headed for her anyway. He was ready now; cleared of his demons he smiled as he hiked his way through the forest build up.

He had been in Kerala for a few days now and knew exactly where he would find her, searching every high hill and mountain, knowing that she would crave the thinnest air, like she had done up on the Holby roof.

The sun bore down on his skin, so bright that it caused him to squint and wipe away a dribble of sweat that ran down his face. He was almost at the top and though he could not be sure of where she was on this earth, in some way he knew that she would be here. It's what drove him through the heat and humidity, it was more than a feeling, it was as if he knew that she would be here, almost as if she were calling him from the top.

He quickened his pace as his heart beat faster.

He was nearing the top he could sense it.

He could almost feel her.

Then suddenly the trees parted into a clearing, the peak of the hill that sat an open top of grass and it was not the rush of cool air he noticed first, nor was it the breath taking view that glistened in the heat below him for all that he noticed was her.

He had found her.

His eyes fell upon her; arms outstretched with her head back and eyes closed as she let the wind flow through her, catching her hair causing it to dance in the air. Her skin held a glow that it had lacked the last time he had seen her, she was peaceful.

His heart pounded away, but not from the climb, but from the sight of her; though he always knew that he would, he could barely believe that he had found her.

A smile plastered itself on his face as he watched her in her moment of tranquillity until he could take it no longer. He had to break the silence and speak that the first words between them in over two months.

"You didn't address the postcard to me, I was offended" he spoke with an air of casualness, his lips still supporting the smile.

His voice startled her causing her eyes to widen as she swung around to face him. She stood quiet for a moment, squinting into the light as if she couldn't believe her eyes "Luc?"

"Hi Eddi"

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**There we have it, I really hope that you enjoyed It and would love to know your thoughts. If you would like another chapter? Thank you so much for reading!**


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